And I am creating once again!

the state of affairs are not necessarilly the way that they are supposed to be. It seems like everyone seems to have their own agendas. I have my own and because of this, there is a sense of sepreration and relationships are based less and less on appreciation and affection but on convience and legalitys... I am in fear for mankind and when I say mankind I just mean men. When did "I miss you" become an excuse to turn and run awy from the ones you love.. Just a thought.

e!

By the way men suck!

Shadowboxer

Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, and now my friend
Oh, you creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees

Oh, it's evil, babe, the way you let your grace enrapture me
When well you know, I'd be insane - to ever let that dirty game recapture me

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swingong all around me
'Cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Oh, your gaze is dangerous
And you fill your space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You'll set your spell on me
So darlin' I just wanna say
Just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you

But, oh, it's so evil, my love, the way you've no reverence to my concern
So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love, to save the pain of
Once my flame and twice my burn

I think that all loves leave a stain. Not an imprint but a definite blotchy stain. It is the kind of stain that reminds me that I have so much to offer and I have been wasting my kindess on those that truly don't deserve it. The sickness that love brinds tends to hinder my proper synapse relays and causes major blockage with my ordinarily rational thinking. This disease is rather involving. However I do like to be involved. I wonder what Katie is up to.
Bowling last night was fun. I had never bowled. I find I was pretty good at it as well. Or at least I got better with time. The spirts were with me. I loved it perhaps another time when the movement moves me.

I fucking don't understand women republicans! I swear to god! Also minority repiublicans like the fuck offs in Florida! Or even better GAY REUBLICANS!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I just don't understand people in Ohio. I mean I live here but I still don't get us.

Anyway. I was just pondering the day away and I thought to myself how interesting it could have been with AG. sigh. I find myself contemplating the nature of a relationship but alas it will always come up short because it isn't realistic. I hope to find a spirit much like his own in the love of my life. I am very annoyed with my hopeless romantic spirit. Ah the day is young and she needs to be seized in the naughtiest ways. LOL

On October 8, 2004 young man sent me a random letter.
It was sent to me on friendster and I was excited because friendster
is just a silly popularity contest. I have never been popular
In anycase this guy sent me the simplest and spiritual letter
He said life is sweet, when you really live it. I tend to agree
but often find I tend to not be living my life sometimes. He
however turned out to be a great situation. For the sake of argument
lets call him A.G (if that doesn't give it away) AG and I conversed
for some two weeks over the philosopy of philosopy, of hip-hop,
travel, politics, guns and sex. We waxed on Napoleon Bonaparte,
Talib Kweli, and Siddartha. I didn't think much of the time
but I found AG fascinating. I was going through an emotional
rollacoaster at the time and talking to him even on the internet seemed
more like a proper relationship with a friend than some of my
acquaintances. I had lost someone I thought I cared about deeply
I found out that life is a constant state of shift and
metamorphasis and what I thought and felt before however real
and valid and important at the time didn't do me any good.
However AG and I kept in contact. He never knew what I looked
like or seemed to care. All my friends were worried he maybe
a mad man. And to be honest considering a photo I saw I started
to consider that scenario to potentially be true. I had a
painting of an african princess up and he had his actual and
he told me how much he like the photo and hoped it was
a reflection of who I was. I told him it was somewhat like me
however I have always been looking for a stillness in myself.
I am always running away from something. The painting had a
stillness that I appreciated and needed. I feel as though I am
held down by my family. So I run. It came out eventually
that AG was also a runner. But he seems to be more focused than
I am he is moving about much like a nomad but there is a
envy of stillness in his eyes. I can feel it. Eventually he
asked if he could see me and I was a bit frightened. I mean
all the horror stories that are sensationalized on television
about online hook ups going terribly wrong. It seemed still
too taboo for me. I then re-nigged. I was interested he seemed
smart and cute. I talked to him on the phone on October 14 2004
and we talked for a while and he was so funny. I didn't think
he was crazy. I told him I didn't care what skin color my man
just as long as he was my man. He told me he had an affinity for
dark skin. I liked that.(I am nice bronzed cafe au lait color)
And on October 22, 2004 I went to see him. He was waiting for me
in a public place and I made sure to tell my close friends
what I was doing on that day and with whomI was doing it with.
They were a bit concerned yet they say his picture and agreed
that he too cute to avoid. They also told me if it didn't
feel right just jet. So I met him and at 5'11" he was so much
more beautiful in person than in his picture.
We walked around and talked and it was wonderful. He shared
his love of prefuse73, spicy food and life with me and I liked
it. I couldn't help staring at him. I didn't have feelings for
him but if someone were looking in on us. You might think we were
on a date. He showed me his tatoo, and the bruise on his forehead.
I liked that too. I started to really like him. But alas
he was leaving to go to a far off place. So when we ended the
outting, I wanted to kiss him but I didn't because it wouldn't have been
right. And of course I bragged to all my friends that he
wasn't a psyco and was a complete gentleman. I had started to like
him romantically. But it was pointless because he was leaving.
So the day before Halloween my friends and I went to a party
where his friend was Djing and he was there. I think he
was watching me dance. (sigh!) And as we were leaving I told
him I made a promise that I would go to another party that night and
he seemed so sad. I never got to take him to bed or tell
him my dreams or get mad at him. I was hoping he was thinking
what I was thinking. We would have been good together. He
would leave the next day.

But on that night I kissed him. He kissed me back. And that is all I want to
remember.